Goodbye
by Tricki
Summary: Goodbyes, Stella always hated them...This is my first try at angst but you can choose a sad or happy ending just stop after chap 1 if you want sad. Warning character deaths if you go with sad. MSR
1. Goodbye

-1_AN: _Don't own 'em, just love 'em! I can't really give a summary without wrecking the story so I'll just say **THIS CAN HAVE A SAD OR HAPPY ENDING**. Chap 2 is the happy ending and if you don't want a happy ending just stop at chapter 1.

Lots of love to Mandi, Kitty, Steeldust, Spaceape and everyone who has ever reviewed one of my stories (As promised, here you are) Volonta forte, lilmissbubblz, fruitbat00, TexasParker89, nsc, eddie-angel, The27thGilmore, Wiily, Lu78, orangeangel, simanis, hotchner, JennCorinthos, zelda49, Laura, Quille, Spacespud, Dybdahl and Dizzy-Dreamer and everyone who has ever read one of my stories. If I've forgotten anyone, 1000 apologies.

Hope you enjoy this,

Love Tricki xoxox

**Goodbye**

_My darling Stella,_

She laughed through her tears, he never said 'darling' he tried once but it didn't sound right. They joked about it now, put on posh British accents and patronised each other to the nth degree.

_I'm sorry if you ever have to read this because it means that I'm not with you any more, I won't be too morbid because I know how bad this feels without me going into great long spiels about all the things we'll miss, I'm sure you'll do that to yourself more than enough._

She picked up one of his dirty shirts from beside her and held it as if it were a precious jewel that was dissolving in front of her eyes; she cradled it like a baby, hugged it like a teddy and put it to her cheek before she slid the shirt onto herself and inhaled shakily.

Neither of them got a chance to do the washing for four days because of the case they were working so that left her with four of his dirty shirts, the day it happened she had apologised for not doing the washing and he had said "There's much bigger things to worry about". He had no idea how big those things were.

She put three of the shirts in an air tight container so that they wouldn't lose his scent and the other one she was wearing. She wished that he wore just a cologne or after shave or something that she could buy for the rest of forever but it was a combination of soap, deodorant, shampoo and just him. It was the most comforting smell in the world and knowing that no more of it would ever be produced made her believe that hell wasn't a place you went after you died - hell was this and hell wasn't going to get any better.

_I want to tell you that I love you, I hope I said it enough while I had the chance, but always remember I love you more than anything or anyone._

"I love you too." She whispered and hugged his shirt tighter around herself. She stared at his wedding ring, which she had her thumb folded over to keep it from falling off, and wondered how everything went so wrong; one day they were making jokes about the washing, the next she was reading a goodbye note.

_Me being gone doesn't mean that you'll never stop hurting. _

_Don't give up on life yet because when I was at my lowest point I realized how much I need you. You saved my life Stella, and I hope I can save yours too. You'll get through this, just like I did._

"You got through it because I was there!" She screamed at the letter. Her throat constricted as she sobbed harder. "You were supposed to always be here…" She whispered.

_It's okay to love someone else. As soon as you're ready I know you'll find someone younger, better looking and less grouchy who you'll love ten times more than me, and that's all I want for you. I want you to have the kind of happiness you gave me._

'I don't want anyone else…' ran through her inconsolable mind. All that she wanted was to be with him and if that meant she shot one 9mm bullet through her cerebellum then that was fine with her.

_I know that the gun in your hand seems very tempting but it's not the answer, if I had of done that when I wanted to then I never would have married you and that was the best thing I ever did._

_I know right now you're angry, and you have every right to be, just don't hate me forever and don't deny anything that has happened or anything that you're feeling - it'll make things ten times worse._

She still marvelled at how well he knew her. She spent so long waiting for him and to have him snatched away seemed like the greatest injustice of all.

_Look for the little victories in life, for so long we've been fighting the big war but right now you need to stop and look at the little things, how beautiful the sunsets are, how perfect the Chrysler Building is, how brilliant the happy times are. If you look hard enough I'm sure you'll be able to find some._

_I'm only going to ask you two more favours,_

_Firstly, the gun in your hand, empty the magazine, throw the bullets out the window and put it in a drawer. It's not going to do you any good to be one of the small percentage of female suicides who shoot themselves in the head._

_And secondly, (It' kind of strange to think that this is the last thing I'll ever ask you to do) be happy._

_I love you with all my heart and nothing can change that,_

_Mac_

"I love you but you can't ask me to live like this." She whispered and raised the gun to the approximate place she decided would kill her fastest and pulled the trigger. Surprisingly, it was the easiest things she had ever done.


	2. Hello Again, It's Good To See Your Face

"Mac?" She asked in a quiet and totally terrified voice.

"Stel?" She felt a hand on her back and jerked awake. She blinked as her eyes slowly adjusted to the bright artificial hospital light (even though the ugly digital clock read 11:36 PM). She looked up to see whose bed she was leaning on and realised that she was crying.

"Bad dream?" Mac asked quietly and touched her hair.

He didn't look well at all, his face had a grey pallor, there was dark antiseptic staining his chest, numerous IVs and monitor cords where hanging out of him but still - he look indescribably better than when he was in a coma and not expected to wake up.

"I guess so." She laughed and looked down into her lap. She unfolded the thick parchment coloured pages and read the words she had read so many times she could almost recite them.

"How did I get this? I thought…"

"I asked my Dad to give it to you if anything happened to me."

"The doctor said you weren't going to make it." She said quietly as tears involuntarily streamed down her face unceasingly.

"I got that impression from my shirt." He nodded at her and she noticed she was wearing the shirt he had on when he was shot. She hugged it around herself and inhaled deeply. It was still comforting even through the thick smell of blood. She would have got another one that wasn't covered in blood but she hadn't left the hospital since he'd been admitted.

"What are you doing?" He laughed.

"It, ah…it smells like you." She sniffed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. She stood up and hugged him as best she could while he was lying down.

"I was so scared I was going to lose you." She whispered.

"I'm okay." He said quietly and put his IV-less arm on her back.

"You're not dead but you're not okay." She half laughed, half sniffed. "What the hell Mac? I told you to stay…" She gave up desperately.

"I'm sorry." He said softly. "I didn't think."

"I'm sorry I was busy with the other perp. It would have been okay if I was there." She said guiltily.

"It wasn't your fault. I did the wrong thing. But I'm okay, so we can blame ourselves for the rest of our lives or we can get on with it and do our best to not do stupid things like that again. Agreed?" Stella nodded and laughed.

"Are you allowed to wear you ring?" She asked and held out the small gold band.

"I think so." He said and she slid it onto his finger.

"I won't have to worry about any of the nurses trying to steal my husband anymore." She joked.

"Very funny." He rolled his eyes. "I think you should go home and get some sleep."

"I just had the most horrific dream about my husband dying and shooting myself in the head - I'm not going anywhere." She said stubbornly.

"You need to sleep and if you don't go I'll have one of the nurses kick you out."

"Mac please…I don't want to leave you" She said quietly. He silently conceded and touched her cheek softly.

"I love you Stel." He said and yawned.

"I love you too." She said and put her hand over his and kissed his cheek. "I'll be here when you wake up." He nodded and went to sleep while she stroked his hand gently.

She had never been so glad to wake up in a hospital.

Thanks for reading!


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